Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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