matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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