the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
