Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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