This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
