every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
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Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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