two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
