I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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