Rock
Scissors
Fuck
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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