I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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