Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
