oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
