I accidentally burped into my bong.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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