I faked an abortion last night.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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