right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
