I skipped work to stalk him.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
