AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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