Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
