"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
