that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
