I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
