Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
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all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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