youre lurking in front of me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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