I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.