Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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