New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
