D3 body, D1 cock
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
