I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I want to be your penis for a week.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
