On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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