Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
