I think I won the penis lottery.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
