in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
