i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
