New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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