Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
