I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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