Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
