Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
