I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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