I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
