how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
