i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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