god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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