Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
