It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
