so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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