fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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