My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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