I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
