She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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