This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
