Sry I called you an 8
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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