I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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