Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
