dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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