my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
