I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
