i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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