Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
