Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
