We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
