I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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